Dear Friends --
Well all good plot lines need a twist, and so it is that one has found its way into my story.
Stepping back some for those who haven't tracked my cancer mountain trek from day one, back in July when all the ballyhoo began I learned that if colon cancer had found a way to be on the move, it frequently traveled a pathway from the colon, to the liver, to the lung. And so one of the first things we did in those perilous days was take CT scans to see if the cancer had indeed made the journey north beyond my liver.
The consensus back then was: "Um ... maybe." Followed by, "Well ... whatever *might* be in your lung is tiny and who knows it could just be anything. Let's keep an eye on it, and regardless Foxy will likely knock out any sparklers that might be on the move up there."
And so that's what we did. Foxy did her heroic work and surgery was all about removing the tumors in my colon and liver. But last week it was time to take a looksie with more CT scans to double check that whatever was going in my lung was no longer a concern.
Which brings us to the twist. Late last week we discovered that one of those tiny spots -- what I like to call the itty bitty -- is most likely a met (cancer speak for bad), and has grown just a smidge in the last couple of months. Which also tells us that for whatever reason this itty bitty has managed to thumb its nose to Foxy. And that's no bueno.
This is the part of the story where you can come in with one of two observations:
1) This is terrible and what on earth is happening.
OR
2) Well honestly we sort of knew this itty bitty was there from the get go and it's barely grown and it's actually incredible nothing else has spread and let's give thanks for that.
Of course both things are true. Pretty much all day long. At the same time.
So while I tack between #1 and #2, the mountain I'm climbing forever insists on following the turn of the map and to keep moving. The new trail points to -- wait for it -- in fact, more surgery. I know. Who can believe any of this. The itty bitty needs to be removed, and soon.
But before we all curl up in a corner and say it's all just too much, I've been reassured that most likely what I'll have is a minimally invasive procedure, which probably won't result in more than one night in the hospital. Yes, yes, I know. I'm well aware that doctors like to use the word "procedure" to pretend it's all easy peasy, but I think this one might actually not be too awful. We'll know more after Feb 4th when I meet a new character of this unfolding drama -- Dr S -- who I'm assured is one of the finest thoracic surgeons Stanford has to offer.
And then? I'll recover and jump back onto trail that includes the final three rounds of Foxy, a path still waiting for me as I climb ever higher and higher.
Story twists are mysterious, aren't they? So often they lead to brand new places we never would have plotted for ourselves. Often they are, actually, a lousy turn, no matter the clever spin we try to spin. My strong sense is that I'm likely going to live in an extended season of twists -- some that will bring all kinds of joy, others not so much.
In it all, I'm realizing that at this point in the climb the only way to navigate it all is to hold each new twist lightly. Because if we're honest, every story is ultimately about having open hands to receive and cherish whatever we hold dear, knowing that eventually we'll have to summon the courage to say goodbye to even the most prized parts of our lives. Clutch all you want, eventually you'll have to give it all back. Hopefully those goodbyes happen after decades and decades and decades. But many times, especially in the twistiest of times, we have to hug and release parts of our hearts far too soon.
But then -- and this is the miracle -- a hello appears, opening a surprising trail on whatever mountain we're climbing. And our stories are once again made new.
For now, my health is centered on Project Itty Bitty Removal. But my heart is centered on the promise that this twist will be a chapter in my story, each one as sacred as the one before.
xoxo
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